today i’ve been having some heart to hearts with myself.
do i want to do illustration or pursue painting?
what would i do if $ were not an issue?
money is an issue.
neither path gaurantees security.
how do i trust myself when making art?
how does one follow a safe path while following their dreams?

i like children’s books. i like narratives. i like cute art. i like accessible art. i like books with art. and that seems to translate to illustration. i like illustrations that are more like paintings and paintings that are more like illustrations.

i don’t like painting for the sake of making a product. this feels scary to say what i don’t like.

i want to be in control of my art. i also want to build it with layers and not have strict deadlines. leaning me away from illustration, towards paintings. i like big messy canvases and just watching what paint does without having it make sense.

i don’t like how paintings in art school are big theories and mumbo jumbo art speak and inaccessible to most non-artists. but sometimes i do like the intellectual aspect of it. but not the exclusivity.

i know it’s not either/or. i know it’s interesting what’s in between. but when i’m at school paying the big bucks it would be comfortable to commit to a major and commit to a path.

what if i want to get my MFA in painting and make kid’s books and sew and silk screen and do a bit of graphic design. what if i just DID IT and didn’t constantly question it all like a ping pong ball? back and fourth back and fourth. you don’t want to be in my brain right now.
i like definition. what if i just defined myself as artist…
what if i just did everything that fed me more and made my heart sing and embraced that, than problematizing (probleMATIze) the whole thing by needing to choose ONE path.

the idea of just painting for myself sounds so lush. how can i make it more about what interests me and less about my specific assignments?

fitting that i got locked out of my studio when having this conversation with myself. someone told me it was mercury in retrograde.