bubble of thoughts
i was making a list this morning and it dawned on me that most of my issues seem to lay with that it is sometimes hard for me to make concrete decisions. thankfully, i can make decisions about clothes and bad haircuts and what to eat for dinner–the dailyness, but big picture decisions paralyze me to a certain extent. i get cloudy. fuzzy. foggy. abstract. distant.

i would love to start a discussion about how you make those big life decisions? above is an “organizational system” i’m developing out of thought bubbles to help me quickly brainstorm and connect my ideas so it makes a bit of sense. does anyone else practice this?

for me it is about not knowing what the goal is, as soon as i have identified it… i can proceed. i am obviously not very linear. i admire my friend christina who decided that she wanted to get her MFA in painting, so she proceeded to paint from Valasquez studies, then moved on to portraiture using a green background and light paint usage, and then gradually moved onto paint thicker portraits with great angles and varied backgrounds. all this to say is that she just kept working towards her goal and perfected it. **side note, upon speaking to her about this she says that she does not FEEL linear and that her process has felt all over the place, as well.

lovely leonie wrote me with no prompting earlier something that warmed my heart in talking about my little hiatuses from blogging… “that she knows i am doing what is best with my heart and art”. how did she know i needed to hear that?

i wrote back that i do listen very closely and cautiously to what is right for me, put my divining rod out there in the wind… and that that process is often an inner struggle. i do appreciate that someone on the outside can see value in being thoughtful; a ruminator.

sometimes i think i suffer from a bit of perfectionsim, afraid to make a mistake. it seems unlike me because i am contradictory messy and calm and laid back, but also anxious about if i’m doing the “right thing” and the future, and hard on myself for not having it together!

i must harken back to my former mantra: “go fucking ballistic”, meaning to me: don’t hold back for fear of making mistakes!
i’m going to challenge myself to mess up some.