towards the end of kickboxing i always space out and am reminded of my littler self who was a bit of a dreamer and off cue that tragic ballerina recital that brought me to tears on stage, and then i look around myself in my current class and see i’m totally off in my kicking sequence. but no tears this time, usually just laughter at myself.

point being, i get really good ideas and insights during kickboxing. colors for paintings fly in and connections between childhood and my wishes for today meet, and i “space” out a bit. it’s my creative process taking charge.

i’m not a competitive person, at least i don’t identify as such. you see, i am not trying to be the best kickboxer in the class, but i’m realizing there is nothing stopping me from being that, if that were my goal. i seek harmony. i try to even out the scale if someone is lagging behind and another person is literally kicking ass and fit myself squat in the middle. anyway, it’s a good way to be in certain situations, but not in others. during high school i believe i was elected “coach’s award” in field hockey, not because i was good, but probably because i wasn’t and yet liked cheering everyone else on and being part of the team, and then i was voted something like “most down to earth” in the yearbook, which maybe means i wore clogs, or just that i was you know, nice and sort of blended in to the earth.

i guess i’m evaluating all of that in relation to my ego. i am giving myself permission to put myself out there and what i’m excited about. be it a new job, website, artwork, you name it… in this blog and in life… with out putting a clause in there. accepting success and what makes me feel passionate and inspired with out self-deprecation. i am excited about this and it happens to be my life and i want to share it with you and you and you!

this is new.

i think it stems from a lot of things. when i was little i was shy and perceived myself as being a very good girl wanting to please mostly my mom and teachers at first and then everyone else. in retrospect i experienced loss in the form of my father and grandmother, and then gained a step-sister my same age and step-father, marrying my mom when my sister and i were both 7. i think, while it was exciting, times were fragile forming a new family. so we made sure we got along and one sister wasn’t “better” than the other. that’s my perception today at least.

SO i was recalling in kickboxing this story that my parents told to me later in life about how i would always get quietly mad at my sister for getting on the bus before me every morning for school… cuz you know it’s a status thing when you’re 8 to get on the bus first and claim your seat and say hello to your nice bus driver (ours was nice), right? and my parents would watch us get on the bus from the window across the street, and even though my sister apparently waited for me to get on first, i didn’t. i think i wanted her to ask me, “do you want to go first dear sister?”, because that’s what i imagined i would do. but how was she to know? (fyi-i’m sure there is a flip side to this story)

so i’ve decided any time i have that inkling of a feeling that i’m WAITING to be asked if i want to get on the bus first, i’m going to just GET ON THE damn BUS. are you waiting for the proverbial bus? GET on it! all aboard peeps, but let me on first;) with out sounding too silly, this applies to realizing the things i want in life and going towards them, with out being asked first. i think i used to equate that *feeling* with some sort of competitive ego trip and would get judgmental, even in myself.

is anyone following this? or should i just start my kicking sequence again?