I finally feel like I’m at a turning point where I have hope for the future. 7 months ago my husband who I was together with for 10 years and deeply in love with suddenly told me he wanted to be single. I’m learning this is a more common than I knew. This quick unraveling of one’s life in an instant. I think it’s important for me to write about for my own healing, but also to share that we’re not alone on this path of dramatic ups and downs and hopefully resilience.
I was in shock and deep grief for the first 3 months or so. This happened in mid-November and he moved out right away and I experienced the first Thanksgiving in a decade with friends, then my 36th birthday surrounded by friends, then I went home to Maine for the holidays and spent over 2 weeks with my family. I feel so incredibly blessed by all the support I had during this time. I remember in Maine I would wake up like I was in a bad nightmare, go to yoga in the mid-morning with my mom and instead of feeling calm afterwards like most– all the anger would well up and I would feel seething rage. I would go for an hour long walk in the freezing December cold to the beach until my legs were completely numb. Then I would come home and take a shower and read and sob in bed until my mom would call me down for dinner and then back to bed. Then repeat this the next day. I felt like I was dying. I really wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the next day and sometimes hour. I feel grateful for my family and this time and simple routine and care-taking.
A self-portrait during this time:
I don’t wish this rug pulling out experience of life on my worst enemy. I don’t wish any ill will towards my husband who is walking his own path. I send him goodwill every day and I would not be who I am today with out him. And yet it is my story to share as I need to and make no apologies here for my openness.
I love this Leonard Cohen quote below and it rings true:
To be continued… xoxoxo
Mati
I’ve followed your journey from starting art school to your present success – and challenges – and I just want to thank you for your honesty and bravery here. It sounds cheesy but it is an honor to be able to peep in at your life. You sound like you are handling it as beautifully as possible.
Mati….keep going. I can relate to the words you’re saying although it’s been a few years for me. It’s wonderful to hear of your healing and reminds me of my own. Thank you for sharing!
I’ve been there where you are now. I know how impossible it feels imagining the future on your own and I wondered how my children would be with just me to look after them. I eventually found the day when I was grateful it had happened because without it, I wouldn’t have had all wonderful experiences that I’ve enjoyed with my life following a different path.
I send you warm wishes for a new and exciting future filled with happiness.
Jess xx
Mati bless you & your journey . I received my copy of Daring Adventures in Paint yesterday & it is SO WONDERFUL I can hardly believe it. You are a treasure to us all. Much love & comfort xo Susan
Thank you for sharing your story of loss & grief I know that your honesty will bring comfort and hope to many. Fantastic Leonard quote.
it amazes me always the perfect life we paint in our heads for other people. i had no idea you were facing such a tough space til the other day on instagram .. i have to tell you i admire your openness and honesty and while i know it can’t be easy i also know it will heal you .. you are beautiful & brave! even though i don’t know you very well i am damn proud of you! for anyone to walk this road and be brave and open as you are , well that takes an amazing soul 🙂 God bless you sweet girl! here’s to healing!!
Been there…done that (several times) Now I am much older and can look back and say, “what did I see in him? Was I crazy?
Time heals and art heals…You will be ok, I promise.
Right there with you in this particular journey & the feelings that come with it. I wish you healing and hope and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your words & such a helpful quote. xo Love, Jennifer
Best wishes and much grace to you as you chart a new course and a new journey for yourself!
Your book will be arriving at my house sometime this week and I cannot wait to devour it.
Many blessings to you!
Hi,
You don’t know who I am but your story resonated with me. I went through the same thing – I was married for 17 years. One day he turned to me and said “I don’t feel that way about you anymore”. He was gone the next day. Come to find out he was cheating on me, for how long I do not know. It has been almost 7 years now and I am building a new life. I found a lovely man who could be my soulmate, perhaps I was meant to learn something from the previous relationship so my heart would be open for the new with lessons learned. I wish you happiness and joy on the new life you are building. Peace!
When my husband and I split, I was completely unprepared for what felt like losing my mind – the wild roller-coaster of emotions: every morning, I wake up at 4 a.m. sobbing, and then I’d think about all the ways in which I was now free to recreate myself and there would be an elation and a glimmer of joy in the re-imagining of a life that could look like anything I dreamed of…but then a wave of despair would come and pull me back under.
I tell you this because, well, nobody really talks about how you can feel crazy during this time, lose both your footing and your filters – but that all of this is NORMAL and part of the process.
Fortunately, I found a group run by Rachel Walker (in Temescal) http://rachelwalkermft.com/. It was a group of women going through divorce and it was the perfect thing for me. It was here that I learned that we were all going through the same thing. And in hearing the stories of others, the excitement of new beginnings became infectious.
It is two years later now and my life is richer than I’d ever dared dream when I was married. (Plus, it doesn’t hurt that my achingly beautiful boyfriend is sleeping by my side as I write this – or that I know when he wakes up he’s going to go downstairs and make me a cup of coffee exactly how I like it. ;0))
Hang in there, sister!
I have not been in your shoes. And I cannot imagine the grief. I think you are writing your story with a great deal of respect. Respect for you and him. I admire that. Blessings!
Mati you are a brave wonderful open soul, thank you for sharing your story. I too experienced a similar thing three years ago, it’s not how I envisaged the story to end – but so much of our journey is out of our control. Even now, three years down the road I found such healing in those words you posted from Leonard Cohen… I continue to be touched and healed and re-opened and awakened all the time by brave souls like yourself. We are not alone, thank you x
My husband had the same ‘epiphany’ in November, 2011. I don’t know if you remember me, but I was greatly inspired by your elephant artwork and had one tattooed on my foot. It’s not quite finished so I haven’t sent a picture to you yet, but I think you are an empowered, beautiful, magical woman and I am more proud than EVER to have your art on my foot. I always share who you are and your work with others when they ask about my tattoo.
All the very best from Toronto!